Darths Dark Daydreams

Advertising

2009-12-03T04:16:13Z

I have been noticing lately that the recruiting centers are down. It seems the Dark Side is not as alluring as it once was. I was at the base on Yavin Four today and the only new recruits we got were three pairs of siamese twins and a man named Bubba who offered to, quote, "blow me for a nickle."

Clearly the Dark Side is losing it's hip, youthful edge.

So I have began an ad campaign that will target the Youth Demographic. Get 'Em Young, Grand Moff Tarkin always says!

Telling The Holidays What's What

2009-11-11T22:09:24Z

I was wandering around the Mall today and noticed all the christmas decorations were already up... That really pisses me off. It's freaking November! Where are the cleverly dressed Turkeys! The pilgrims with their fancy shoes! Does no one care for Americana anymore?!

I marched myself right down to Macys to have a chat with the man in charge. I've been told that this Elmo fellow has dominated the christmas shopping market for several years in a row, and so decided to give him What's What. No small fuzzy creature is going to ruin MY Thanksgiving!

And dammit, if they keep playing christmas carols in the grocery store somebody is going to get a serious Jedi Cap in their ass!

Sniffles

2009-10-07T02:59:43Z

I think I may be getting sick. My eyes are all red, my nose is plugged up, and there's this strange thing growing out of my helmet... I'm gonna go curl up in my dome and whine about my life now.

Mini Me

2009-08-30T18:06:13Z

So I have recently taken on a protege. His name is Wicket and I found him in Endor, just a little ball of brown fluff and dewey eyes... I, of course, had to put a stop to that. But his training isn't going as well as I had hoped. I mean, he looks fantastic, but he keeps trying to give away hugs! Hugs aren't free! We charge for those! And he keeps decorating my dome of solitude with sparkly stickers and scarves. I may have to rethink this plan.

Yeeehaw

2009-05-29T17:52:49Z

I have decided to start being more artistic. I began by painting myself riding a stallion. I figured a stallion on a stallion was a safe bet *snicker* I think I truly managed to capture my majesty.

I even wrote a little poem about it.

Dark black cape billows in the wind
Dark black soul on fire
Dark black sky above me
Darl black is my desire
Bright white mane around me
Bright white clouds on high
Bright white the sound of battle
Brigt white pony and I fly.

The One

2009-03-17T03:38:18Z

I have found him. My One True Nemesis. The reason for my evil. The culmination of all I have striven for! The Yin to my Yang. They call him... Obama. They say he will save the world. All I know is that I must crush him. It is now my soul purpose in life! Ah, the glory of once again knowing why I am on this earth! To see his glistening biceps as he flexs his sword, the hear the clash of justice when we move as one... Let me just say, he makes Luke Skywalker look like a pansy. Not that that's very hard..... He is my one great rival. And I find him oddly attractive..... NO! Mustn't go there... For that way lies a whole new Dark Side.... I would love to get to know HIS dark side.... mmmmm....

Oh Obama. You complete me. Now that you are here my evil lives again! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

emperorlover365 @ 2009-02-02T21:33:00

2009-02-03T02:33:48Z

So it seems that every time I go on Holiday someone has hijacked my journal! First that Beast guy, now this Bottom someone! AAAAAAARRRRRRR!!! WHY DOES NO ONE FEAR ME ANYMORE? Why do people feel they can simply use my journal whenever they want without threat of death by crushed windpipe. It used to be that no one would come within an inch of my dome. What's next, the guys down in PR playing World of Warcraft with my Alienware?

Anyway, I had a lovely vacation. I went to Bermuda, spent some time tanning by the pool. I am nicely bronzed now.

A nice man asked me to model for his sand sculpture, which I thought was very flattering. He later had me join him in the hotel sauna for 'art' classes.

I gave him my number, but he won't call. They never do.

I did a little sight seeing, walked along the boardwalks. Very relaxing stuff.

~

Anyhoo, the point it, I am back. SO STAY OFF MY JOURNAL YOU *&$*#@#$# *&$^ SUCKING $*%*(&#*$&(#$@(*(@ LIMEY #*%&(#()@ PURPLE @(($%*&@# SONS OF #(%&*()@#@ HOSE EATING #%(#&(@(&*@ MOTHER ##*(($*&*@$#@*&*&*'S!!!!!!!

emperorlover365 @ 2008-11-16T22:44:00

2008-11-17T03:39:06Z

Yes. Hello and all that. What? Yes. Colonel Pimplebottom here. Now where's my port...

Taken the liberty of starting up a journal of sorts, bit of a lark, you know, to document my makny wild adventures. Both in and out of the boudoir what!

So, to begin.

Recently returned from darkest Wales. Nasty place Wales. All hairy and rot. What what? Met a lovely young lady with a lovely bottom. Oh yes, something to hold on to what! Turns out she was a male. Bit of a nasty shock for the poor colonel. I must remember never to tell the Private. I believe he may be a poofter.

Return after a long absence

2008-09-26T00:07:50Z

I just want you all to know that I, Darth Vader, Sith Lord, have a lady friend. We've been dating ever since I purchased her at a an auction over on Dagnophoba. At a very reasonable price may I add.

Her name is Vanessa Lyn, Her hair smells of summer and cooking oil. Ah. I plan to set her up like a queen back on the Death Star.

I have never been so happy.

Some People Have Too Much Time on Their Hands

2008-08-17T14:25:35Z

So I've been worrying about my financial future lately. WHat will happen when evil dark lord is no longer a marketable skill? What will I do when it's time for me to retire? The emperor never offered a 401k plan. I used to think my real estate would see me through, but that's being devalued at a startling rate! I might have to start seriously blowing up planets to get the scarcity back up! I don't know. Nothing is as simple as it used to be. Not too long ago all I had to worry about was who to terrorize next. Now it's lucky if I get though an entire day without worrying about the future. Oh well, as long as the death star exisits I'll always have a home.

On a lighter note, I stopped by the sand dunes of Rigel 5 today and saw this.

Some people have way too much time on their hands. And what is Yoda doing to my lap? I'm not okay with this. That little guy gives me the creeps...

A Much Needed Makeover

2008-07-24T23:03:36Z

I've been having a rough time lately. I'm tired a lot, I'm not appreciated at work... The Emperor didn't even notice my new shoes. I bought them just for him... I feel like I'm invisible. Grand Moff Tarkin said he undertood. That sometome you just need to feel pretty. So he took me to his favorite spa and we really let go! Facials, seaweed wrap, oh it was great! A regular evil geniuses night out. And at the end we got make overs! Let me tell you. I. Feel. Pretty.

True Love

2008-07-06T19:44:43Z

OMG, I have seen an angel. I am cpmpletely in love. But she doesn't even know I exist. How do I win the fair lady's affections! Oh, to see a dark lord brought so low... I see her in my dreams, in her beautiful black suit. The flouesent light shining in her golden hair,...

Hilary, my Hilary...

Yo ho Yo ho

2008-06-11T21:16:01Z

A pirates life for me.

Words of Wisdom

2008-05-25T01:28:47Z

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Hampshire College class of '08... embrace the Dark Side. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.

I will dispense this advice now...

Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble.

Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do in one Death Star officer every day.

Scheme.

Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.

Hate.

Don't waste your time on Storm troopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.

The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son.

Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whining of your bratty upstart farm boy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.

Destroy.

Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Have plenty of minions.

Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy looking nerf herder.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.

Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.

Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.

Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.

Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies.

Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.

Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.

Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.

Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.

Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.

Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.

Respect your Emperor.

Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt.

Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the Dark Side.

Money Troubles

2008-04-24T19:09:48Z

So, we've run into a funding problem. I always thought that the Empire had unlimited resources... I was wrong. Oh the humanity! Oh the humiliation!! Oh the pocket lint....

Badabing!

2008-04-08T18:09:53Z

Why won't Belle look at me?

2008-03-26T15:27:54Z

I feel so depressed. Belle won't even glance my way. I even brushed my fangs! But no, to her I'm just a hideous beast, bereft of all humanity and goodness. The darkness in my soul is mirrored by the ugliness of my face. Sometimes I think I should just end it all. What's the point? I'm nothing but a monster. I even tried to kill myself today. I tried to slit my wrists, but just ended up cutting my fur. Now I have these unsightly bald patches....

WO!!! Wait a minute!!!! Who the hell are you? Get out of my Dome of Solitude!

That was weird. Some strange hairy guy was blogging on MY LJ! Odd...

Anyway, back to my own problems. I got stranded today. Me! Stranded! And this was not like the time I went to get Burger King, oh no! This time they actually flew away without me! I didn't even have my wallet or anything! All I had was the clothes on my back, the force in my soul, and my violin. I was forced to busk until I had enough money to hire a transport to the Death Star. I thought I would have been able to mind-control someone into doing my bidding, but aparently the Anti-Force security system actually works.

And now someones broken into my dome! He just better not have touched my chocolate....

Sometimes, a pictue is worth a thousand words. This is one of those times.

2008-03-21T02:58:44Z

GODDAMMIT!!!!!

2008-03-17T23:09:41Z

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT PUTTING BLEACH IN THE WASH WITH MY SUIT!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

USBA DAY!

2008-03-13T19:16:25Z

So, today was Universal Supreme Beings Appreciation Day. I love USBA Day. BBQ's, balloons, tacky gifts, clowns, ice cream... Ah, good times. This year I was determined to place first in every contest! No mean feat when you're going up again a whole gaggle of deities and super-heros. I didn't win the pie eating contest (stupid Superman...) But I did kick Jesus's ass in the armadillo races!

I also got a lovely new bauble for my hat from Grand Moff Tarkin. It's a little severed Jedi head. He knows me so well.

I went to sleep tired but happy, and looking forward to tomorrows return to evil and such.

I have no words...

2008-03-11T20:29:06Z

No words. None. Absolutely none.

I am a potato

2008-02-27T17:00:13Z

I am, of course, very aware of my image. Who wouldn't be? And since I am the most fearsome super-villain of all time I obviously have quite the image to uphold. Which is why it pains me so very very much to see things like this.

A potato people!~ I mean really! And I do not have googly eyes in my helmet.

Its far too cute.

Grumble.

Nothing Ever Goes Right

2008-02-24T03:33:18Z

This morning I got an intense craving for a Whooper. It was really really really bad. I have never needed a burger so much in my entire life!!!

So I got in my Pinto and drove to the Burger King I know near the corner of N'kinkatak and M'bengad. But it was closed. Fuck. So I got back in my car and headed down to Tikintak St., where I heard there was a BK. But it wasn't there anymore. Now it was a McDonalds.

The universe has a cruel sense of humor.

At this point it was about 4am and my chances of actually getting a burger were slim to none. So I headed back to the transport ship, planning to plan an evening brooding and drinking dome chocolate.

But the ship had already left.

So I killed a hooker.

Then I paged Grand Moff Tarkin.

But he didn't answer.

So I decided to call Dark Lord Joe, who I know lives on this planet somewhere.

Joe was less then sympathetic.

But he did let me come over.

SO now here I am, sitting on Joes lumpy old couch that smells stronly of cooking sherry and cats. When did my life make it ot this level? I am a terrifying killing machine! No one should be able to leave me behind! When did people stop fearing me? When did I loose my edge. From now on you're going to see a much meaner, harsher Vader.

Fo Shizzle.

At last!

2008-02-19T21:23:51Z

At last my true potential has been realized! I. Darth Vader. Am now a male model. It's about damn time. I was stopped on the streets of Yavin 4 by a strange little man the other day and told that I has the nicest legs he had ever seen. Turns out he was a modeling agent for a golf wear company! Go me.

I will go down in history as the best dressed Sith Lord.

One of the storm troopers had the audacity to snicker! I of course crushed his windpipe. But I must say it made me very depressed. Can no one just be happy for my good fortune. They're all just jealous of my fantastic calves.
*Pouts*

Nostalgia

2008-02-12T20:56:35Z

Some days I long for the simplicity of a childs life. No worries, no work, just carefree rampaging and endless lightsaber fun. Ah, the good old days. When everything was so easy.

I still miss my pink boots. The Emperor gave them to me for my birthday. I never took them off. How easy it was to stamp around in the and crush small droids... Now my boots are black. As is my heart.

There are times when I wonder about being a dark lord. Is it all its cracked up to be? Should I turn in my cape? But no, this life is worth it, even though at times it seems like a gaping black pit of despair has opened up beneath me.

Oh, to be a child again and not to have to worry about blowing up planets.